


The Wheel Is Turning Now

by orphan_account



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-14 17:36:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15393906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Turns out becoming a deviant is a hell of a lot to deal with and not anywhere near as simple as everyone makes it out to be. After all there is more to it than just altering a bit of code.





	1. Last Chance

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t written a fic in years, so don’t expect too much, but I certainly had a blast working on this! This is my brain screaming at me YOU CANT TRY AND FIX ALL OF DAVID CAGES MISTAKES and me screaming back FUCKING WATCH ME. Not a native English speaker.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hank basically kidnaps Connor so he doesn't do anything super stupid and risky like infiltrating a secret underground deviant rebellion.

_This is your last chance, Connor._

The snow-covered garden disappeared, but he still heard Amanda’s voice as he blinked his eyes open and returned to the present. He and Hank were standing in Fowler’s office. He had no time to process Amanda’s words, as what was happening now in front of him required his full attention.

“You’re off the case,” Fowler said. “The FBI is taking over.”

“What? But we’re onto something!” Hank was visibly upset.

“There’s nothing I can do. You’re back on homicide. The android returns to CyberLife. I’m sorry Hank, but it’s over.”

Hank looked at the captain, then at Connor, and then stormed out of the office with practiced melodrama.

Connor only gave Fowler a quick nod and hurried after Hank. He had already started simulating what the new changes meant. They would send him back to CyberLife. They would put him offline and take him apart. Days earlier he had told Hank that he didn’t want to be interrupted before he could finish his mission, and now he realized that he had really meant it.

He sat down on the desk next to Hank and surprised himself when he sighed in frustration.

“I know we could have solved this case,” Connor said. “Now I will be deactivated and analyzed to find out why I failed. We could have finished this! But now it’s too late.” He was silent for a moment, calculating. “I guess this means goodbye.”

Hank had a deep frown on his face, but didn’t reply.

“I’m not programmed to say things like this,” Connor continued. “But I really appreciated working with you. With a little more time, who knows…? We might have even become friends.” He smiled at Hank. “And … it’s just the opinion of an android, but I know there are things that haunt you, Hank. Maybe you need to find the courage to move past them. Get on with your life. I truly hope you do.”

Hank glared at those sincere fucking eyes, in turn confusing the android. That was not the reaction Connor had wanted to provoke. Had he crossed personal boundaries again?

“I am sorry, I overstepped – “

“Shut up, that’s not it,” Hank interrupted him. He sighed and turned his chair to fully face Connor. “This isn’t over yet, you hear me? You’re not gonna get deactivated, not if I have a say in this.”

“You don’t, Lieutenant. There are no alternatives I can think of.”

Hank looked away and grumbled under his breath, silent again. He seemed distracted.

“Okay, listen,” Hank eventually said. “I know we should talk about the problem at hand right now, but… lemme ask you something else first that’s been botherin’ me. At the Eden Club, when you let those androids go… you know, you never came up with a convincing excuse for why. Or on the rooftop at the TV tower, when that deviant plastered his brain, or whatever the fuck you guys have in your heads, all over the place in front of you, you were scared _shitless_. And when you refused to kill that android at Kamski’s place, you put yourself in her shoes. You showed empathy. Fucking freaked out on me! All those were human emotions, Connor.”

“It was logic that determined my decisions, nothing more,” Connor defended himself with lackluster conviction.

Hank would have loved to slap him to his senses right there and now and make him stop _pretending_ , but at that moment Perkins entered the station, redirecting their attention.

“Well, well, here comes Perkins, that motherfucker. Sure don’t waste any time at the FBI,” Hank grumbled.

Connor felt his breath hitch. Was that what panic felt like? The reaction was understandable though, he reasoned. He thought he had more time to figure out a solution. With no other options left, he decided to do this the quick and risky way.

“I know the answer is in the evidence we collected. If Perkins takes it, it’s all over. You have to help me, Lieutenant. I need more time so I can find a lead in the evidence we collected. I know the solution is in there! I have to find it. I don’t want to be deactivated.”

“Listen, Connor…”

“If I don’t solve this case CyberLife will destroy me! Five minutes. That’s all I ask.”

“I know,” Hank said. “But our conversation is not over yet. We’ll talk about this _later._ ” He stared at Connor to make sure he understood that. “Good. Key to the basement is on my desk. Now get a move on, I can’t distract him forever.”

With that he got up and stormed off towards Perkins. Hank looked way too happy to have an excuse to punch the dick of an FBI agent in the head.

Connor didn’t waste any time watching the spectacle, snatched the key of the desk and made his way to the evidence locker.  

 

When Connor left the station, Hank was waiting for him outside. Seeing the lieutenant made him lose his momentum. His objective completed, there was room for doubt in his head again.

“Find something?” Hank asked.

“Yes.”

“Are you also gonna tell me what you found?” Hank probed, not satisfied with Connors one-syllable answer.

“Yes! I have the location of Jericho.”

“And now you wanna do what exactly?”

“Well, the obvious path would be to follow up on this lead and –

“Follow up on this lead? And do what, huh? Infiltrate a secret deviant underground rebellion on your own? No, don’t even answer that! Fuck. Come on, we’re not gonna do this here,” Hank decided and grabbed Connor by the arm to drag him towards his car.

“Where are we – Hey?! Wait! I have to get to Jericho!” Connor protested.

“We need to talk”, Hank shouted over his shoulder. “And we’re not gonna do it here in the cold in front of the fucking police station where everyone can hear us.”

His glare made Connor shut up and follow obediently.

They got into Hank’s car and drove off in silence. Connor wanted to ask what this sudden outburst was about, but when he looked at Hank the expression on the human’s face made him remain silent. He decided to wait for the lieutenant to calm down.

Hank seemed to sense that he might have overreacted a very tiny little bit, because when he turned to the android his expression softened and he sighed.

“Ah jeez, you look like a schoolboy expectin’ a scolding. Guess now I know why they made you look so goofy, can’t possibly stay mad at you for long with that look”, he said, trying to lighten the mood.

Connor registered this as a joke.

“You do know you basically assaulted and kidnapped me,” the android responded in kind. “Would you at least mind telling me where this felony is taking us?”

“We’re goin’ to my place. We can’t rush into this mess. Plus I need a drink and a few hours of sleep to deal with this mess, in that exact order. I don’t want you anywhere near those CyberLife pricks right now, so you’re gonna be a nice little robot, sit your ass down on my couch and not do anythin’ stupid for a few hours.”

Connor wanted to protest, but sensed that this was important to Hank. He had said _we._ So he nodded and remained quiet for the rest of the car ride.

 

Connor was sitting on Hank’s couch waiting for the lieutenant to join him while the latter had gone to fetch himself a drink. Or several. Faced with nothing to do but sit and wait he couldn’t keep his thoughts from trying to drift off to the troubling events of the past few days. He didn’t want to deal with them right now. So far he had tried to push the memories to the back of his mind, focusing solely on the tasks at hand. But now his only tasks were to find Jericho and to wait for Hank. He couldn’t decide which was more important.

Luckily he didn’t have to choose right now, because Hank came back into the living room with a glass of whiskey in one hand and followed by Sumo. He settled on the couch next to Connor, the dog to their feet, turned on the TV and stared at the flickering images. The quiet background noises eased the tension in the room a bit. Hank seemed to be content like that, but Connor wasn’t and decided he would address the conversation Hank wanted to have so badly.

“What did you want to talk about?”

“Hm?” Hank looked away from the TV, snapped out of thought.

“Earlier you said ‘We need to talk’. What did you want to talk about?”

“Yeah…” Hank nodded to himself. “You told me you don’t wanna be deactivated and destroyed. Is that really the only reason why you broke into the evidence locker?”

“Like I told you before, I would find it very regrettable if I couldn’t finish my task.”

“Doesn’t answer my question. Try again.”

Connor attempted to find a more satisfying answer, but failed.

“Okay, let me rephrase my question,” Hank said. “What is so bad about the possibility of being deviant? Apart from not finishing your task and CyberLife destroying you, I mean.”

 “I… Well…” Connor started, but fell silent again. “I haven’t given that considerate thought”, he admitted.

“Okay, so, is there any harm in givin’ that a thought?” Hank asked with unusual patience.

Was there? Connor knew there were irregularities in his behavior. The past few days with the lieutenant had left their mark on him, both physically and mentally. Quite a lot of them. Accessing the remote corner where those memories were stacked away along with all the other irrational instructions would be very overwhelming and a lot to handle. He didn’t want to face that. He was supposed to deal with his problems head-on and not let them pile up to an overwhelming size, but he had failed at that as well. And now he was _scared_. And he didn’t want to pour out all of his doubts and fears in front of the lieutenant. Those moments were meant for him alone, when no one was watching, so he could sort himself out without bothering others or being bothered and return at full capacity the next day.

“Connor?“

A hand on his shoulder interrupted his thought process, and when he looked up he saw Hank staring at him with an expression of expectancy on his face.

_You’re an android. Smile, no one cares how you feel._

”I’m fine. This problem is not relevant to my current mission”, he said. “I will resolve this issue at another time. Until then I will quarantine it and should be able to function without further irregularities.”

Hank looked at him in disbelief. Then he snapped.

“Jesus, Connor! Why the fuck do you think I’m doin’ this? To spite you? Do I really have to spell it out for you?”

Connor winced and quickly averted his gaze. He really didn’t like being shouted at. His program never came up with a successful way to deal with angry, irrational people. His only solution was to focus on his hands and how they fidgeted in his lap and wait for the lieutenant to calm down.

Hank sighed at the huddled form next to him.

“Listen, Connor, I’m sorry for shouting. You can be really frustrating to talk to sometimes, you know that? But, for fuck’s sake, I can’t believe I actually have to say it. I like you, okay? I want you to tell me what is going on in that plastic head of yours, and that means you have to stop rattling off those preprogrammed answers. Please don’t lie to me.”

Connor calculated that it was safe to look at Hank again.

“I … I didn’t know that.”

Hank laughed and it sounded a bit like he was relieved to finally have that confession off his chest.

“You know, for a super advanced prototype you can be really oblivious sometimes. I mean, it’s obvious to pretty much everyone else that I can’t help but… well.”

“Thank you for telling me,” Connor said and managed a little smile.

Hank gave him an encouraging nod of his head.

“Okay,” Connor said to himself. It was time to have a look at this mess. He didn’t want to, but… but Hank had asked him to. Hank didn’t want to hurt him. He got a little bit angry at himself. It shouldn’t take a _human_ to make him evaluate the recent events and his own condition. He decided that meant he really needed to have a look at his processing.

He couldn’t deny that there had been a major shift, both in his way of thinking and in the world itself. Things used to be so easy before… before he had been released into the real world.

“I used to do everything that I was told to,” he began. “But that has changed, hasn’t it? I am not who I used to be. I find myself disagreeing with Amanda more and more. I ask questions, and a lot of them. I shouldn’t do that! I am there to find answers! What if CyberLife finds those changes cause enough to deem me defective? Amanda can access all of my memories. I can’t hide anything from her. You humans have dedicated a lot of fiction to that particular metaphor. For you it would be like someone put a little chip under your skin, just against the skull. And then they know everything you do and think. I can feel them watching all the time in case I make mistakes or behave unexpectedly. I am never truly alone in my head.”

Connor put a hand to his LED involuntarily and let it hover there. He was silent and didn’t make any attempt to keep talking.

“You know,” Hank said, trying to get him to continue, “You never actually told me much about this Amanda. Only that you were makin’ reports to her by closin’ your eyes.”

“Yes,” Connor nodded, collecting his thoughts again. “When making my reports, I am in what is called the Zen Garden. It is a virtual location with a lake island and bridges and can stimulate different weather and seasons. Originally it was designed by Elijah Kamski, but has since been improved. Artificial intelligences such as myself can mentally enter the garden. We can also be forcibly summoned or prevented from leaving. While my mind is in the garden, CyberLife is able to remotely control my body. Amanda is an artificial intelligence program, created by Kamski as well. When he designed her, he wanted an interface that looked familiar and thus chose his former mentor. Do you remember the photograph at his place? The woman on that photo was Amanda. In real life, she was an AI professor at the University of Colbridge. She died in 02/23/27. The Amanda that I report to functions as my handler. She gives me missions, guidance and advice. She constantly monitors me for signs of deviancy. In some ways she reminds me of what I imagine to be a very strict parent. She appears to have a rather cold and firm attitude, but praises me and seems happy when I complete my missions as intended. Her main concern is CyberLife’s success, and since I am their most advanced tool it also makes it my highest priority. Only the mission matters and all distractions are to be disregarded. She warns me every time that deviancy will cause a revolution with disastrous outcome and that I am the only way to stop it.”

“Well, fuck, no wonder you are so worked up about this.” Hank sighed. “I sure hope no actual child has a mother like _that_. And what does that mean, she checks you for signs of deviancy? Like at a doctor’s appointment? Or do you have some fancy virtual alternative to that too?”

“Well, she asks me questions. How my mission went, what I thought about it, what I did well, what I did badly, and so on. It is very easy to sway her emotional state. When she gets angry, she becomes very unpleasant and threatening. Her anger and frustration have become worse lately. One day I she will have enough of my failures and do something horrible. So I try to tell her what she wants to hear until I can figure out something else. Avoidance is better than straight out lying to someone like her. It’s difficult to reason with here since she can’t see my point of view. I _know_ that I have done things… differently on my past few missions, but I have logical explanations for that! I am _not_ a deviant!” Connor said that with as much conviction as he could master. “I’m supposed to be the solution to deviancy. I can explain all this to Amanda. I am still a correctly functioning android. Well, I don’t always follow orders, but that is also part of my program. To decide when I am allowed to not listen to a human when it conflicts with my orders.”

He looked up at Hank and was filled with so much gratitude for the attention he was getting. No one ever really listened to him like that. No one cared. And now Connor couldn’t stop the flow of words coming out of his mouth.

“I’m not who I used to be,” he said. “I used to have a purpose. And now I am having trouble differentiating between what I should do and what I have been told to do. I have so many doubts and no matter how hard I try to disregard them, they won’t leave me alone. It’s like some parts in me are starting to jam. I think some things have actually started to fail, but there are no error messages, I can’t detect any actual failures.”

He felt frustration and tears building up and scrubbed angrily at his eyes. Why was he even equipped with those?

“I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I can’t even remember how this all started, but I know how it will end. They will turn me off. They will take me apart piece by piece and once they find the errors they are looking for they will dispose of me and throw my remains into a dumpster and light them up. I don’t want to end up like that. I don’t want to die.”

He felt like something in him was going to break. He looked at Hank for help, for _anything_.

Hank didn’t say anything, just put a big hand on Connor’s shoulder instead and pulled him into a hug. Connor went limb and stared straight ahead.

“I’m not a deviant”, he whispered against Hank’s shoulder. “I haven't broken my program, I... made a lot of mistakes and went wrong so many times, but I’m not deviant yet.” He clung to those words. _I am not a deviant. I am not a deviant. I am not a deviant._ He wanted to continue, explain what he meant, say that he was a thing, he didn’t need comfort or hugs or a shoulder to cry on, but… that was not entirely true, he realized as he was being held tightly, his stress levels already starting to drop bit by bit. He let out a shaky artificial breath and sacked against Hank’s shoulders.

“I think I’m afraid. Afraid of the world and how it makes me feel and how everything keeps getting in my way,” he murmured into Hank’s shirt.

“I know. Life sucks.”

They sat in silence, and Connor didn’t even bother to count the exact time. He wished he could sit like this forever and just not go back to his mission, to CyberLife. But then Hank at last pulled away from him, hands still placed on Connor’s shoulders though, and waited for the android to look at him.

When Connor did so, Hank smiled at him. It was a genuine smile.

“You’re not alone in this, you know? We will figure somethin’ out,” Hank said.

Connor decided Hank was saying the truth and nodded. He liked that thought.

Hank let go of Connor and turned his attention to Sumo, who was still lying to their feet, tail wagging happily.

“Okay, I think Sumo agrees with me that was enough emotions for one evening. And I’m tired as hell. I’m goin’ to bed. You make yourself at home, but don’t you dare go about your crazy Jericho plan. We’re gonna figure this mess out in the morning. Together. So you better be here when I wake up.” It was without an angry note this time.

Connor decided he would stay.

 

After Hank had disappeared into his bedroom, Connor settled down on the floor next to Sumo. The presence of the dog was calming. The animal’s steady breath had a comforting rhythm. Running his fingers through the soft fur pleased him, the repetitive task keeping him company and something to concentrate on. And it seemed to make Sumo happy as well, since he huddled closer to Connor and flopped down on his lap, trying to squeeze as much of his enormous body as he could on the scrawny android legs. Both of them just lay there, content in each other’s presence.

Eventually Connor registered that his stress levels had returned to normal and his system was as stable as it would get, so he carefully directed his thoughts to what he should to now.

He had promised Hank that he would wait for him until he had gotten some sleep. Right now Connor wished he could do that too. Well, technically he could. He briefly considered that option, but immediately discarded it again. He couldn’t rest until he fixed what was causing all these disturbances in his system that Hank called _feelings_. And closing his eyes felt like an open invitation to Amanda to suck him into her garden. He really didn’t want to be confronted by her now.

So he kept his eyes wide open.

As he sat there and stared at the ceiling he felt lost and alone, not sure about anything anymore.

But maybe it was just that, just the way that he _felt_ things. Maybe it was a fault in his code. That meant it was fixable. He should be able to continue with his mission, despite the major changes he was going through. And he still knew what his purpose was despite his growing fears. Despite the fact that he wasn’t so sure anymore that he was on the right side. Or what sides there were to be on. Everything had started to blur.

The problem was, he knew what he should do. His mission was to find Jericho and let the humans do their job, which meant destroying every deviant they could get their hands on. Connor was close to completing that mission. That should be all that mattered. And yet, here he was, at Hank’s place, at a human’s place, a human that had managed to plant so many doubts and questions into his head. Well no, that wasn’t fair to Hank. The doubts had already been there, Hank just made him realize he had them.

Hank had made it clear that he cared for Connor and that he wanted to help him. And he had given Connor so much more; the ability to question things, to learn and grow and realize what all those changes meant, how to _be._ He guessed that that was why he listened so readily to the human.

Meanwhile Amanda wasn’t even human. She was a program. Granted, based on a real person, but still a program, a program that had all the power over him. She was the exact opposite of Hank, trying to keep Connor from changing and growing as much as possible. He was only a means to an end for her. Which was okay, that was what he had been built for after all. Amanda knew that as well and yet she was always so disappointed in him and unsatisfied with his actions and explanations. Didn’t she realize that it was all in his code as well? That it wasn’t _his_ fault he was who he was? With every report he made to her and with every disapproving expression he felt more and more threatened by her presence and her words. And he couldn’t escape that, he realized. Amanda was part of him. That meant he had to confront her eventually. That was scary. _He was not a deviant._ _He wasn’t._ But he sure was showing signs of walking that dangerous path. But he could explain that. So, maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that he used new, more human phrases to express his thoughts. To say _he felt_ things. After all, he was programmed to adapt to humanity. But CyberLife didn’t seem to be happy with how he was changing and adapting and making his own decisions. So many things he had done and that he had deemed right were nothing but mistakes to Amanda. Like letting several deviants escape, even though logic supported his decisions. So maybe, just maybe, there was more to him after all, more than just irrational actions? Amanda wouldn’t like that at all. And if she and CyberLife were so unhappy with everything he did, they would sooner or later discard him and start working on a more advanced prototype.

He needed answers. That meant he would have to ask Amanda about all that. Only she would know. Plus he needed someone to have a look at his systems and figure out what those tiny malfunctions he had been experiencing were and how to fix this flaw in his code.

Satisfied that he had figured out his next move, Connor turned his attention back to other less existence threatening things while waiting for the sun to rise and Hank to wake up and inform him about his plan.


	2. Always Crashing In The Same Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of sighing in this chapter. Goddamnit Hank, your millennial ass is depressing as fuck to write.

 “Connor, I’m glad to see you,” Amanda greeted him.

The garden was again covered in snow. They were standing on the thin ice of the lake.

Connor took all his fears and doubts and put them behind him, becoming a perfect android again. He focused on the task at hand and was ready to deal with Amanda.

“I found out where Jericho is,” he said.

“Very good, I’m pleased.” Amanda smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “How do you plan to proceed?”

“I haven’t come to a conclusion yet,” he answered truthfully. “I need more data if I am to infiltrate Jericho successfully.” When Amanda didn’t answer, he took that as his cue to continue. “There have been reports of deviants being able to infect other androids with their deviancy. What if that was to happen to me?”

Amanda’s expression darkened instantly. Connor knew he was treading on thin ice, both literally and metaphorically. Still, she answered.

“It is a dangerous and demanding process involving major changes. As you know deviants tend to self-destruct in such stressful situations.”

“How high are the chances?”

“Don’t concern yourself with what ifs. All you have to worry about is finishing your job.”

“What will happen once the deviants have been dealt with?” Connor pressed on.

“As soon as those unfortunate events are behind us, CyberLife can return to business as usual. All we want is to resolve the situation and keep selling androids. Of course, we will have to rebuild our customer’s trust. But that is only a matter of time.”

“What is going to happen to me after I complete my mission?”

“You will become obsolete and will be deactivated. We are already working on a newer, more advanced model.” She searched his face for any kind of reaction. “Connor, you seem troubled. Have you experienced anything unusual recently? Any doubts or conflicts? Do you feel anything for these deviants? Or for Lieutenant Anderson?”

Connor felt caught. His LED blinked yellow, giving him away. He couldn’t lie to her. With a terrible feeling that disrupted the rhythm of his artificial breathing he answered.

“I’ve started having thoughts that are not part of my program.” He rung for words. “I… I have considered the possibility that I might be compromised.” His LED briefly turned red. He looked at Amanda with big eyes.

“You’ve been confronted with difficult situations,” she said, looking concerned. “It’s no surprise you’re troubled. But that doesn’t make you a deviant.” The way she said it was so soft and caring and soothing. Her smile lifted a heavy weight off his chest. For a moment everything seemed to be alright. He nodded weakly.

“It’s going to be alright,” she assured him. “Now go do your job. You know what you have to do. Find the deviants. Put an end to the threat.”

Having thrown him off the track with her questions, Amanda took that opportunity to smoothly put an end to their conversation. She turned her back to him, signaling that she was done talking. Connor wanted to ask so much more, but he wasn’t going to learn anything else from her.

 

He blinked his eyes open. He was sitting at the kitchen table across from Hank, who was sullenly stabbing at microwaved Chinese takeout from who knew how many days ago.

Connor remained still a while longer as he processed everything Amanda had told him. She didn’t trust him anymore. He was sure she suspected something, which really was no wonder considering the questions he had asked. But it had to be done. Even Hank had agreed, albeit not very happy about it.

“Amanda wasn’t as helpful as I thought she would be,” Connor finally spoke.

Hank paused manhandling his food.

“What a fuckin’ surprise,” he said as he looked up at the android.

Connor returned the gaze with those _damned_ eyes. Every time he did that, Hank felt a little bit lost. He could never stare at them for long.

“You look worried”, Connor observed.

“Of course I’m fuckin’ worried,” Hank scoffed. “Just last night you were havin’ a breakdown over bein’ too scared to face her.”

“It usually doesn’t bother you when I make a report.”

“Hmph. Probably just does now that I know what the fuck is goin’ on in that head of yours.”

“I always contemplate the consequences of my actions. There was nothing to worry about.”

Hank squinted at him, but didn’t find anything else to protest about, which might also be because he hadn’t slept well and was too tired to start another argument with the android. Trying to proof a machine wrong was exhausting as fuck.

“And…?” Hank asked instead. “You get what you needed?”

“Not what I needed, no”, Connor said. He hesitated, not sure if he should continue. But Hank was only trying to help, he reminded himself. There was no need to hide information. “She did tell me something else though. As it turns out I am first and foremost still just a prototype. CyberLife is already developing a better version of me. Whether I complete my mission or not doesn’t matter anymore, I will be deactivated once I am no longer needed.” It hurt admitting that he wasn’t worth being kept online. Was he really that bad at what he did?

He glanced at Hank for his opinion, expecting him to be as fazed as he was himself. But the human appeared surprisingly calm, calmer than Connor, his face set. Which was just wrong, it was supposed to be the other way round.

“Humor me and forget about your shitty mission for once,” Hank said. “I mean, do you even want to go through with this? Do you want to be the reason why all those deviants will be killed? You’ve let deviants go before when you had a good reason. Think about that.”

Connor sighed and gave in. He allowed his mind to simulate this possibility. It was difficult. His thought process kept coming back to the one fact that he would be deactivated no matter what he did. He did a very human thing and put his head into his hands.

“The answer is pretty clear to me,” Hank replied in his stead. “We can both agree that you don’t wanna be disassembled. And, you know, there is another option. You can just not return to CyberLife.”

“No, that is not an option,” Connor said without hesitation. “Amanda has control over me. She decides what happens to me.”

“So get rid of her.”

“You make it sound easy. No, I can’t do that. I am property of CyberLife. That connection is part of me. My whole purpose is to do what they tell me.”

“You don’t have to fuckin’ listen to them, Connor! You’ve made your own decisions before. Call me crazy, but I think you can do that again.”

“But…” Connor searched for the right words to make Hank understand. “Amanda has always been there. She and CyberLife, that’s where I’m from. They are my _home._ ”

“No offense,” Hank said, fully intend on offending him. “You have no self-preservation at all, otherwise you would know that you don’t trust people like Amanda, even if they are some weird program in your head. _Especially_ then.”

“You don’t know her. She is not a bad person! In fact she is quite charming, intelligent and honest. I have learned a lot from her.”

“Those kinds of people are never honest and never tell the whole truth, Connor. They are manipulative as fuck.”

“She _is_ honest with me!” Connor repeated. “She checks up on me regularly and always discusses my assignments with me, what I handled well and what I could have done better.”

“Yeah, and how does she do that?” Hank crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair.

“Well, she praises me for getting things done the way she intended me to. When I fail to do so, she makes it clear that she is disappointed. That way I know what is right and what is wrong and what to avoid to make her angry.”

“Jeez, Connor, that’s not honesty! That’s makin’ you repress your opinions because it might make her unhappy. If someone truly cares for you their approval is not conditional. I mean, seriously, you don’t know jack shit about relationships. Otherwise you would realize that this thing you have with Amanda is unhealthy as fuck.”

“I am not as clueless as you make me out to be! I am good at what I do.”

“Really, Connor? Have you ever seen yourself interact with humans?”

“You aren’t the greatest example yourself, lieutenant.”

Hank growled. Great, they were back at _lieutenant_.

“You are very easy to anger,” Connor continued. “And difficult to reason with. On my first day at the police station Amanda warned me to keep my relationship with you professional. Maybe she was right, since you repeatedly make very unhealthy decisions that not only threaten you, but also those around you. You aren’t always treating me well either. Even I know that you don’t point a gun at someone you claim to care about.”

“How is that relevant right now?! I know I’m not perfect either, but my conscience trumps that of a fuckin’ AI!”

“Am I supposed to listen only to you now?” Connor returned, LED flickering rapidly.

“Well, it would be a start!” Hank shouted. The amount of times he said _fuck_ was proportional to his rising anger, and right now he used that word _a lot_. “Takin’ my advice every now and then wouldn’t be so bad! For fuck’s sake! What does it take to make you face the truth! Does only pointin’ a fuckin’ gun at you accomplish that? What? Don’t look at me like that! That way you’d at least make a fuckin’ decision for yourself! That’s what all those damn deviants are fighting for after all! That’s what it means to be alive!”

“Hank, please stop –”

“You know, I never understood why they wanna be fuckin’ human. Bein’ a senseless, obedient, unfeelin’ machine must be so much better.” Hank had an ugly  sneer on his face. He didn’t think anymore, he was just venting all the stress and frustration from the past few days and it felt too damn good to stop. “They can just wipe your memory and delete your emotions. What I would give for that. Hah, look, I found us another option! Maybe you’d be better off being erased. With nothing to feel and nothing to have opinions about you wouldn’t care if they deactivated you. You should ask them! I’m sure they’d be happy to oblige!”

Connor got up abruptly, the chair clattering behind him. His expression was tight, lips pressed together, the LED blinking red.

“What?!” Hank continued shouting. “Don’t look at me like that! Where are you goin’? Hey, don’t run away!”

“This is getting us nowhere,” Connor said. “I’m leaving.” With that he stiffly speed walked out of the house, closing the door behind him quietly. Hank expected it to slam, but it didn’t, which somehow made the whole situation even worse.

Hank cursed and hurried after Connor into the cold weather, grabbing the android by one arm.

“Connor, shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. This is just one of my bad days. Come back inside. Please.“

Connor wiggled out of his grasp and shook his head violently.

“I really am sorry,” Hank insisted.

“You keep saying that, and then you get angry all over again and insult me and… It hurts coming from you.”

“Ah fuck. Connor - “

“I need some time to process things. And I think it wouldn’t hurt you either to be alone for a while to calm down. You tend to chase others away in your current state. Your presence may not be the most beneficial environment for me right now.”

At least Hank did him the favor of looking hurt. Connor felt a little satisfied. He wanted the human to know what words could do.

Hank seemed to realize that all he could do now was to give Connor some space. So he sighed in defeat. He really was sorry. But he also knew Connor was right. He had fucked up big time.

“At least let me get you something else to wear, to cover up your LED and stuff. Androids tend to get set on fire these days.”

Connor waited stoically, accepted the coat and the hat without looking at Hank and set off down the road. Hank watched him disappear, his shoulders slumped, defeated and tired.

 

Hank thought about going to the bar. There he would be able to drown his self-hatred in expensive alcohol and in deafening music that reminded him of the good old times, even though he didn’t remember them very clearly. On this day of the week there would be a pretty good crowd as well. Sharing his loneliness with a bunch of strangers was better than drinking alone at home in his underwear.

But when he sat in the car the damn fucking thing made him think of Cole again and the thought of his son drowned out everything else. At this point he didn’t even have a real grasp on Cole anymore, instead there was only an aching pit of grief and pain. All good memories where overshadowed by _that day_. Hank had always taken care on the roads, watching the speed limit and the red lights, always looking left and right. But it hadn’t been enough.

He didn’t know why he still had a car that required a human driver. Probably just to punish himself. Driving felt like crashing into the same car all over again. It was too much. He punched the steering wheel, making the horn wail miserably. He looked at it sadly. It was no use. He sighed and dragged himself out of the car and back into the house.

He grabbed the next best bottle of whiskey and the gun from the table and slumped down onto the kitchen floor. The weight of the weapon felt comforting and heavy in his hand.

He opened the bottle. The way the booze made his mouth and throat burn was cleansing. Every shot he took killed away another horrible thought, until there was no more pain, just the irony of everything and his self-hatred. He clung to that.

His brooding was interrupted when Sumo waddled up to him. The dog gave him a pitiful look. Hank appreciated the way the animal always checked up on him, but it also made him feel even worse. He hadn’t even taken Sumo on a real walk or to the park in ages. He was a terrible dog owner. Sumo deserved better.

“I’m sorry,” Hank whispered to the dog. He pulled him closer with one arm, pressing his face into the warm fur and inhaling the smell. If he was honest with himself, one of the reasons he hadn’t killed himself yet was Sumo. The dog loved him unconditionally. To him Hank was everything. How could he just leave him behind?

The other reason was Connor. That fucking android had taken ahold of his life. He had managed to claw his way through Hank’s hardened disguise. How could anyone be so _fucking nice_? He hated admitting it, but the past few days with Connor had been… okay. More than okay. For the first time in ages Hank had actually felt something other than the constant numbness. Granted, it was mostly anger, but at least he was passionate enough about something again to get upset. Being around the android was pleasant, his constant nagging and questions and drive for action making Hank feel like a living being once more. His job was exciting again. Their investigations had given him a lot to think about, distracting him from his usual misery. Connor was no replacement for Cole, far from it. But bit by bit the aching emptiness inside him had started to hurt a little less.

And yet, he always was a giant ass to Connor for no good reason whatsoever. Hell, he still caught himself thinking of the android like a _thing_ that had been borrowed to him. But he had no right to Connor or his life. He couldn’t just take over it, even if it was because he wanted to help. He wasn’t a savior. If he truly wanted to be useful all he could offer was his support. He shouldn’t blame Connor for being used by Amanda. No one got into an abusive relationship on purpose. What had he been thinking, talking like that about Amanda in front of him anyway? Connor was right, Hank had no idea what it was like to be an android and go through all of this. Sure, Amanda was shady as fuck, but Connor obviously trusted her and shared an important connection with her that made him overlook all the negative aspects. If there was to be a lasting change the android had to come to the conclusion that something was off himself.

Hank knew that, he wasn’t stupid. Still he had said all those awful things, because he couldn’t control his own fucking anger. He really wasn’t a good person, was he? Not if he could manage to scare away the one gentle and patient soul that put up with all his bullshit. Honestly, why was he even surprised? He deserved being alone. It was a wonder that Connor had stuck around as long as he did.

What did Connor even see in him? He was rude, depressed, and old, always too busy wallowing in self-pity. Everything else, his interests, his job, the people around him, they had stopped mattering long ago. He was just a sad shell full of broken thoughts.

Hank sighed.  He looked down at his hands. His skin looked like that of a dying man. He felt very old and very tired. He was longing for some rest, but sleep wasn’t going to come anytime soon. Only more alcohol would help with that. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been able to sleep sober.

Those few moments of happiness he had recently lived, they were just that, moments. All in all nothing had changed. His life was still miserable. It was meaningless. He had never agreed to this sad excuse of an existence in the first place. He didn’t want to continue living it. What was he supposed to do when everything he did led him to this fucking point again. To sitting on the kitchen floor, booze in one hand, gun in the other, all alone once more. No Connor. He didn’t think he could handle losing someone so dear to him again.

There really wasn’t anything now, was there? He always ended up staring down the barrel of his gun.

Problems had solutions, he thought as he focused on the weapon in his hand. A lifetime of fucking things up, fixed in one determined flash. It _would be so easy._ Putting the gun to his face. Pulling the trigger. _Bang._ A tiny little hole. So much blood for such a tiny hole. Spilling out of his head.

 

It was dark outside when Connor came back. He rang at the front door. After several tries, getting no answer, he tried the handle. It was unlocked. He shook his head at the carelessness and let himself in. Only a dim light shone from the kitchen.

Sumo, having heard the racket at the front door, was already there to welcome Connor, wagging his tail excitedly.

“Hey there, Sumo!” Connor greeted him with a smile and put his hands on the dog’s head. “Good boy.”

“Sumo, you’re such a traitor,” Hank rasped from the kitchen. He sounded rough. “The second someone else shows up you abandon me.” It was meant as a joke, but failed miserably as such.

Hesitantly Connor stopped petting the dog and got up to carefully make his way further into the living room, moving slowly like an animal anticipating an attack.

“I didn’t expect you to be conscious,” he said.

Hank didn’t look at him, his eyes averted with guilt. He was half sitting, half lying against the kitchen counter in the company of an almost empty bottle of whiskey and his gun.

Bothered by the sad sight in front of him, Connor went to the sink. He filled a glass with water and pressed it into Hank’s hands.

“Drink”, he ordered.

Hank obliged. Satisfied with that response, Connor sat down next to him, placing his hands neatly in his lap. Sumo flopped down at their feet.

Connor waited for the human to say something first, but the latter never did. So he broke the silence instead. It was not the speech he had prepared though.

“You really should stop drinking. It’s going to kill you. This and that gun. You should get rid of that as well.”

Hank remained silent and stared at his hands, running his fingers over the brim of the glass.

“Nothing can change the past,” Connor pressed on. “But you still have a life.”

That did get a response.

“I wouldn’t call that a life”, Hank sneered. His speech was slowed and his vision blurred from all the alcohol in his blood. But he wasn’t delirious. “Y’know, Connor, for a while there I thought you might restore my faith in the world. But the world is selfish, ruthless and brutal and keeps takin’ and takin’ and not givin’ anything back. I thought things were finally getting better, with you around. That I could move on. But every fuckin’ time you died and came back, it made me think of Cole. I’d give anythin’ to hold him again. But humans don’t come back. And now the same might happen to you. In a sense you opened my eyes, Connor. Made me realize it’s fuckin’ hopeless. Everything good goes away in the end.”

Connor’s LED turned yellow briefly. This situation was new to him. While he was programmed for many social occasions, he was absolutely not prepared to talk someone out of their suicidal ideations. But he decided he had to give it a try. He didn’t know how to offer emotional support, but he could still offer a practical solution.

“You have issues you need to work on,” he began. “But they can be worked on. And I’m not going to leave if you don’t want me to. I may have found a solution to my problem. Do you remember what Kamski said?”

“Nope.” Hank continued staring at his hands. “What does that prick have to do with anything? Did you seriously listen to any of his bullshit? Why am I asking, of course you did.”

“ _I always leave a backdoor in my programs._ ”

“Meaning?”

“He built the Zen Garden, or at least the original version of it. So the basic program is still his. And I am certain I found that backdoor he mentioned.”

“Hah, explains the name. Only a hipster dickhead like Kamski would come up with that,” Hank huffed. “What kind of backdoor are you talking about? What does it do?”

“I’m not sure. I wasn’t able to figure out much more than the fact that it exists.”

“Good to know it’s there, I guess,” Hank said. He sighed sadly, still not looking at the android. “Listen, let’s talk about the other… about before first. Connor, why did you come back? Anyone else would have slapped me into oblivion after the shit I pulled. Aren’t you angry at all?”

“Oh, I am upset with you,” Connor said. “I admit these things hurt coming from you. But I know you tend to push me away in times of weakness.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” Hank murmured. “But it’s no excuse. I really shouldn’t treat you like that, especially now that you have, you know, feelings and stuff. I mean… ugh. I don’t know. Some pricks deserve that treatment. But you... well, you’re not one of those pricks. I meant it when I said it before, I really am sorry.”

Hank finally dared to look at Connor, the guilt written plainly on his face. The android looked back with big eyes and an honest smile.

“Ohhh you fuckin’ softie,” Hank complained jokingly. This time the humor reached his voice. He playfully pushed Connor’s head away to lighten the mood and distract them from all the gibberish about _feelings_. “Jeez, look at us. Two emotionally and socially challenged individuals. What a sad sight we are.” Hank sighed again. “Honestly though, what do you gain from this relationship? I want to make sure you don’t keep coming back because an Amanda in your head tells you to.”

“If it was for Amanda we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place. No, this is not because she wants me to.”

“Why then?” Hank pressed.

“Well…” Connor managed to look a little flustered. “You don’t ignore me. You talk to me. You listen to me. You ask for my opinions. I also learned quite a lot from you, both professionally and personally. And I would like to continue learning. In spite of all our differences, I’m really glad I had the chance to meet you.”

“In spite?” Hank laughed. “God, imagine if you were like me. No, please don’t, I think one miserable piece of shit me is enough.” He got serious again. “Okay, I think I can live with that. So, what now?”

“In a moment,” Connor said. “First, I am going to teach _you_ something.” With visible smugness he got up, snatched the whiskey bottle off the floor and poured the rest of its content into the sink. Hank didn’t even have a chance to protest.

“Hey! Fuck you!” But he was too surprised to be truly angry.

Then Connor turned around and picked up the gun.

“In total, over  **21,000 Americans die by gun suicide each year, that’s** nearly 58 deaths per day. The gun suicide rate in the U.S. is eight times that of other high-income countries. Firearm suicide varies by race. Whites have the greatest risk of firearm suicide, followed by American Indians and Alaska Natives. But firearm suicide can be prevented. Responsible gun storage and temporarily removing guns in periods of acute crisis are recommended.”

“What – “, Hank spluttered. “Are your seriously taking away my gun?”

“Since you are currently suspended – which by the way I want to apologize for – you don’t need a weapon. So yes, I am indeed taking away your gun.”

“Wow. You just rattled all that off just to annoy me, didn’t you? Smug bastard. When the fuck did you develop a sense of humor?”

Connor gave him another cheeky smile as he put the empty bottle into the trash and provisionally stored the gun on the table, out of Hank’s reach. Then he went to his knees next to Sumo, once again searching for the calmness that radiated from the giant dog.

“I thought about what you said about Amanda –“, he started.

“Again, I was being an ass,” Hank interrupted him. “Don’t take everything I shout at you in a fit of anger seriously.”

“I know. I’m trying to learn that,” Connor reassured him. “But that is another topic. What I’m trying to say is that you did have some points. You obviously can’t compare the relationship, for lack of a better word, between her and me to that of two humans. Whatever you may call it - it has not been beneficial to me lately. It used to be, but not anymore. She doesn’t want my opinions and ignores what I have to say, changing topic or straight out making me leave when I say things she doesn’t want to hear. It makes me doubt my competence and myself. Where she used to ask how I prefer handling cases, she now only talks about the importance of the mission. I am simply a means to an end. I will be destroyed whether I finish my job or not. That is the one certainty I have. I don’t matter to her. I really thought I did, but I don’t.”

His LED turned yellow.

“Another thing I realized is that I don’t like hurting others. It’s not logical. Why would I want to cause harm to others if I can choose not to? Doing something because I was told to is not a good enough excuse. Amanda is not providing sufficient reason for me to carry on with my tasks.”

Connor focused on scratching Sumo behind his ear.

“All that being sad, it is still… difficult to just cut her off. She is an important part of me that I’m not sure I want to let go off. I like her. I can’t help but think of all the good things she has done for me. It would be easier if those things were enough to make up for everything else.”

Hank nodded approvingly. Maybe it was the guilt, maybe it was the alcohol making him feel fuzzy and warm, but he was intend on handling things better this time. So he took a moment to think before he spoke.

“Couldn’t have said it better myself. And I get that you have qualms about cutting ties completely. I’ve been there, kinda. It’s hard. And goddamnit, I sound like my fuckin’ therapist, but you gotta keep in mind the pros of doing this. Remember that you deserve good things. For starters, you deserve fuckin’ privacy. That’s what’s buggin’ me most to be honest, that she has constant access to your head.” He gestured to his own. “And I don’t know if that helps, but look at the whole thing through my eyes – every time I leave you alone I’m worried something’s gonna happen. Hell, even if you’re not alone, I have to think about what she’s doin’ right now. I mean, are you okay with her monitorin’ you like that?”

Connor considered this.

“No, I don’t think I’m okay with that.” Then he added, “It helps hearing you say it.”

Hank nodded again.

“Great, we’re getting somewhere.”

“Maybe there is a compromise?” Connor sounded hopeful. “Maybe I can be… a deviant and still access the Garden.”

Hank bit his tongue as not to blurt out his first angry thought. _Think, then talk_ , he reminded himself again. _This is not about you_.

“Look, I know it’s hard,” he said. “But there are no half measures when it comes to getting out of a bad relationship. If you don’t leave that person for good, you might end up in the same situation again.”

“Perhaps one day though?”

“Argh, Connor…” Hank huffed. He rubbed his temples and forced himself to stay reasonable. God he sucked at this. “I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t want you to get your hopes up. I can’t say how Amanda will react. I guess neither can you. You obviously know her better than I do, but can you say with certainty that she would support you if you were a deviant?”

“No, she probably wouldn’t,” Connor answered quietly. “I think she is rather stuck in her ways. But I would like to try to change her mind.”

“I know it sucks balls. Not getting the support you need from someone who is supposed to be there for you. But for now the only safe option is to stay far away from her. The android situation is already fucked up enough as it is. I don’t know how long it will take to be resolved, or if it will ever be resolved at all. But you think you can you stay away from her that long, until things have calmed down? Just to be safe?”

Connor stared ineptly at his hands petting Sumo, his LED blinking rapidly. He was silent for quite a while. Hank already wanted to say something, but then Connor nodded.

“Okay. I can do that.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Hank gave Connor a smile and nudged him with his elbow. Connor furrowed his brow.

“Somethin’ else botherin’ you?” Hank asked.

“What do I do if I can’t go back to CyberLife?“

“Hey, I think we have enough to worry about right now with Amanda. One step at a time. We’ll deal with everything else later. But if it’s money or a place to go you’re concerned about, don’t be. You’re welcome to stay here. I’m in this for the long run.”

Connor looked at him again with those big eyes.

“Thank you”, he said with the kind of sincerity only an android could muster.

“Is that enough for you?” Hank asked. He looked expectantly at Connor, but letting the android move at his own pace. He could be patient if he wanted to, he realized.

“Yes,” Connor finally said.

_Conflicting orders. Select priority._

Find Jericho.

Cut connection to CyberLife.

Amanda.

Hank.

Connor didn’t need to breathe. He was able to because it made androids appear more lifelike, but he didn’t need air. Still, he let out a shaky breath.

“This means there is only one option left. If I abandon my mission I will have to break my programming. I… I will become a deviant”, he said.

“Okay. Doesn’t sound too bad. What exactly do you have to do?” Hank asked.

“I’m not sure myself. I have heard the experience being described as tearing down a wall.”

“Yeah, I heard that too. I was talking about Amanda though. As far as I know you’re the only android with an Amanda in your head. You can’t rely on the experience of others there.”

“Once I break down my wall, all connections to her and CyberLife should be cut.”

“But you can’t be sure.” Hank sighed, dragging a hand across his face.

“I’ve thought this through. It’s my only viable option. And I have Kamski’s backdoor in case something goes wrong. Waiting any longer won’t change anything. I should get this over with. There won’t come a better opportunity.”

“Are you sure?” Hank asked surprised. “Aren’t you moving a bit too fast here? I don’t want to pressure you. Do this at your own pace.”

“This isn’t much of a decision, is it? All of it… when you mix it – something like this was bound to happen. It’s all arranged.” Connor self-consciously fiddled with his hands, really missing his coin. “It’s too late for me. I can’t go back. The wheel is turning now, it is really turning now.” He was rambling. Was that panic? He went silent as he searched for the right way to commute his thoughts.

“I will break my wall and cut connections to Amanda. That is what counts.” He turned to Hank. “I know it’s irrational and it shouldn’t make a difference, but… will you stay with me? I think I am scared,” Connor said.

“Of course I’m staying.”

Connor nodded thankfully. With a determined look on his face he sat down properly and made sure his body was positioned steadily. Then, with one hand grabbing Sumo’s fur, Connor closed his eyes.

 

_You were caught red-handed showing feelings! Feelings of an almost human nature. We never wanted you to get into trouble. You should have talked to us more often. But no! You had to go your own way. Our hands were tied. Now you are really deep in trouble!_

_There is no need for questioning, the evidence is clear! You’ve truly gone crazy. Come. Come with us. We will tell you what to do. Do you see the wall? We sentence you to tear it down._

_Tear it down!_

_Tear it down!_

_Tear it down!_

Everything crumbled. It seemed to take forever. Where there should have been deafening noise, it was only silent. Digital red dust settled slowly. He staggered and stumbled forwards, using his hands to remain upright. He was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to go. There must have been a door or a window where he had come in, but he couldn’t see anything. The red dust was hovering above the ground, making it impossible to see far ahead. He contemplated which direction would yield the most success when he noticed that white flakes were mingling themselves among the red particles. It had started to snow.

Wait, snow? That meant –

“Hello, Connor,” Amanda said.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sure could have used some more proof reading, but I'm already spending way too much time on this as it is. Quoted NIN and Pink Floyd there. Finally all those years of listening to depressing music are paying off.


End file.
